January 25th, 2014  

Random Thoughts and Reflections: What is it like to have Cancer?  

Well, for everyone, there are similarities and differences. Here's what it's been like for me so far… 

• So, how does one go from ZERO to STAGE 4 Breast Cancer with no symptoms until two-and-a-half months before the diagnosis?  Scary!
• If it weren't so sad, I could almost be amused at how many times, since my diagnosis,  I've been asked by medical staff or questionnaires; Do you Smoke?  Do you drink Alcohol? Have you ever, or do you now do Drugs?  As if those are the reasons I might now have breast cancer.  Well, yes…one time when I was about 10 yrs old and my brother was about 13, he taught me how to blow smoke rings.  We practiced for about an hour.  I got really good at it!  Never did inhale, though…wonder if that counts?  Again, when I went away to college at age 17, I picked up that old bad habit of "smoking" again.  I quit after two weeks.   Again, I didn't inhale more than a few times, it made me sick.  So, does that count?   And, yes, when I was a teenager, (45 years ago) I tried drinking alcohol a few times, even got drunk once on cherry rum.  Didn't do that again.!  Does that count?   I've never abused Drugs at any time in my life.  In fact, I rarely even use Over-the-Counter meds.  I just don't get sick very often. (sounds a little ironic now, but it's true).  So, doctors/scientist, keep digging.   I was intrigued to read that one of the top five states to have the most occurrences of cancer is KY.   Since I was raised in KY,  I immediately thought there might be a connection, so I read more.  Well, for Kentuckians, the causes were linked to Smoking, (tobacco State), and Obesity.  Well, no answers for my two bouts of breast cancer in those findings, either.  The most  I've ever weighed was 137 lbs. at nine months pregnant.  Back to the drawing boards for me!  I recently read on the internet that a 21 yr old woman was diagnosed with breast cancer.  The doctor said, "Women that age don't get breast cancer, but when they do…"  (I thought he just said they don't!)  Anyway, the "discovery" was that for years, she kept her cell phone in her bra.  Since that is the location of her cancer, they now conclude that women should not keep their cell phones near their skin or they might get breast cancer!  The only conclusion is, there is no conclusion.  In the voice of Charlie Brown, "Does ANYBODY REALLY know what CAUSES CANCER???"  I guess that's what makes the disease so frightening and frustrating for everyone.  How do we protect ourselves and our loved ones when there are so few answers?  There have been many advances in treating cancer, but it seems like scientists are still very much on a merry-go-round when it comes to the cause(es).

• Since I've only had one chemo treatment, I've not yet suffered the nausea/vomiting/diarrhea that many do.  I wonder…will that come with future treatments?  WIll I still be able to smile as often, hold my head up, be as strong.  I don't know.  
• Dry nose bleeds.  eeuuuuuuww!  Every morning, I carefully clean blood-crusty buggars from my nose.  (No polite way to describe it!)  Then, for the rest of the day, my nose drips like a leaky faucet.  Sometimes, I just want to stick a kleenex in the nostril and let it hang there to catch the drips.
• So far, I've been staying away from foods that smell uninviting, or just don't sound good to me.  It has been a pretty good rule of thumb.  Once, we had homemade potato soup, which I love.  I took a bite and thought my mouth was on fire.  I didn't want to say anything & hurt Tiff & Rick's feelings so I just ate bread and took a drink after each bite.  I kept waiting but no one else complained until well into dinner when Gracie said she didn't want to eat anymore.  When pushed to do so, she announced that it was too spicy hot!  Rick was surprised and asked if anyone else thought it was too spicy.  The other girls had eaten theirs and said no.  I said "yes, it is very spicy"  Rick & Tiff and I decided it must just be my taste buds acting up (as is often he case with cancer), because they said the other two girls would have complained had it been the slightest bit spicy.  I would have gone back for seconds, had my tongue not reacted in such a way!  
• I've also noticed that I am just not into cooked meats & poultry either.  It seems if I smell it, see it, or even think about having cooked meat for a meal, I am repulsed by it.  No particular reason…just doesn't smell or sound like it would settle very well.  *There was an exception to this.  One night, the Veaseys went out for Chik-fil-et.  It sounded good and I love their cole slaw, and although I hesitated at the thought, even the nuggets sounded do-able.  Before cancer, I could usually eat no more than four chicken nuggets, so I ordered that for dinner.  I pigged-out on the coleslaw and managed to eat two chicken nuggets.  Somewhere in the middle of the night, I had to get up, race to the toilet and empty my meal.  The cabbage and fried nuggets had done a number on me.  I didn't throw up,  just had diarrhea!  
• I also stay away from meat casseroles, lasagna, cafe rio, etc.  *Rice with broth is okay as long as I go easy on the broth.
• Cooked cabbage with potatoes, I am happy to say, actually sounds good, and tastes good, and stays with me!
• My favorite meals are breakfast and lunch.  I almost routinely have two toasted but dry, Eggo Blueberry Waffles, with a sixteen ounce smoothie.  Variations might be, dry cereal, pancakes, or Rick's famous French Toast with Agave sweetener.  Lunch usually consists of luncheon turkey meat, 3-4 slices of cheddar cheese, blueberries, strawberries, and/or grapes, and a sliced dill pickle.     For snack, I often look forward to celery sticks with peanut butter, bagels w/blueberry cream cheese, or pudding.
• Potatoes prepared almost any way, sound and taste good, but I can no longer eat the sour cream on them.    :0(
• The good and the bad is, with chemo, tastes can change from day-to-day.  What tastes good today may not taste good tomorrow, and vice-versa.
• I have NEVER been a fan of water and for me, so far, this is the hardest part of chemo!  A cancer patient receiving chemo should drink lots of water and other liquids to flush the poisons through the body.  Rule of thumb is to drink half my body weight.  For me, that's around 55 ounces of liquid!   I really struggle with drinking that much of anything!  The 16 oz smoothie really helps, and I try to drink a six oz carton of fruit juice sometime during the day.  A tsp of hershey syrup in an 8oz glass of lactose-free milk also helps get some liquid in.  Problem is, I'm also trying to reduce my sugar intake, so when I have to add chocolate syrup, it seems I'm making unhealthy choices just to make a "healthy" choice!  Must drink MORE WATER!!!   ughhh!
• I've known since the first chemo treatment, nearly three weeks ago, that I will lose my hair after about day 14.  In fact, I was told that it will come out in clumps!  Now, that information became a nightmare, literally!  I dreamed that I reached up and yanked on my pigtail and the whole thing came off in my hand!  I was devastated!  Which shows that I really had no idea what to expect.  I have a very long, giraffe neck, so I've rarely worn my hair short, almost always shoulder-length or longer.  I've often stood in front of the mirror since then, rehearsing what I will look like bald.  The rehearsals have never gone well!  One day it occurred to me, that some people don't get to rehearse the way they look.  They are born with defects, or they have an accident that suddenly leaves them with scars, or missing limbs.  Many soldiers return from battle maimed.  And for what?  Because they chose to go to war so that I can live in a free country.  That's pretty humbling.  So, at some point, I came to terms with the idea of losing my hair, and if I was going to do battle against this cancer, losing hair was just another part of the challenge.  I call it, "a necessary evil"!  Many other women have lost their hair, I can too!  In fact, my niece, Mary Tudor, has recently finished her second battle with cancer and chemo, losing her hair twice.  She has been such an example of strength to me.  I remember in December, when I went to visit, she put on her little black cap, and face mask, and we shopped our way through Walmart like we owned the place.  Did people stare, you ask?  Of course they did.  But most just glanced and kept right on going.  That's what strength and conviction do.  Most people admire those qualities.
• As I came to terms with the inevitable loss, Day 14 finally arrived as well, and sure enough, my hair started falling out.  It didn't start coming out right away in clumps.  In fact, I barely noticed until I took a shower.  When I applied the shampoo, I noticed that my hair felt unusually coarse.  I described it as the feel of a rope.  The conditioner didn't really change that too much.  It was happening…the roots were beginning to die.  When wringing my hair out with my fingers/hands, about 20 strands of hair came out!  When I dried my hair, the towel had about that many more wrapped inside.  It had begun, but it wasn't CLUMPS!  After several days, more and more strands of hair were falling out all over my clothes, the carpet, the sink, my bedding.  I felt like a shaggy dog!   It was starting to become a nuisance.  My head had started itching a lot, and every time I scratched it, more hair fell out.  By this time, it's a mixed blessing because I'm just wanting it to be gone so I don't have to deal with the mess everywhere.
• So, in preparation for the eventual baldness that will come, I had a "hair cutting party"  Am I looking forward to being bald???  NO!  But I'm learning to deal with it in what I hope will be, humility, humor, and self-confidence.   It's now two days before my next chemo,  and I would say that, at this point, it is now coming out almost in "clumps".  Every time I run my hands through my hair, I bring back a handful of hair.  I have very thick hair.  Many people would be bald at this point.  I'm certain the next chemo will literally "bring out" the best in me!  I CAN do hard things!
• I can't help but write about the blessings that I've enjoyed since being diagnosed with Cancer.  Friends and family have overwhelmed me with their love and support in so many ways.   I have received regular texts, cards, phone calls, facebook messages, e-mails, gifts, money, stamps, flowers, and visits.  My sisters and brother keep in continuous contact, and my twin sister, Rita, has fb messaged me everyday! (fb pic of my siblings)  My own children have really humbled me by the way they have showered me with all their love and attention.  I am so grateful for them and their many sacrifices at this time.  Old and new friends, friends of family,  friends of friends, former in-laws,  long lost cousins, people I don't even know, and church members everywhere, are praying for me, bringing dinners, & desserts, knitting beautiful hats, and offering encouragement and support..  Through all of these acts of love and kindness, the Scriptures have more meaning, I'm feeling my Savior's love, and appreciating His sacrifice for me.  I'm appreciating so many things I used to take for granted, even the very act of breathing!
• On a day-to-day basis, I rarely think of my Stage 4 Cancer except for the occasional discomforts from coughing, or breathing.  But when I look in the mirror, I am reminded of the battle I am fighting.  Not only am I losing my hair, but I've also been noticing random sores, pimples, small clusters of bumps, age spots, and even bruises on my face, hands, and neck.  My skin is even more dry than it use to be, and I have lost a little more weight.  I sometimes sigh in the mirror and compare myself to Job from the Bible.  I try to quickly change my thinking, though, so as not to dwell on my misery. That's been the secret for me so far.  I really try not to let myself dwell too long on the negative because, there is plenty to be found!
• I pray routinely for a miracle, and I am a believer in miracles.  I've read about so many in my favorite book, Jesus the Christ, and in the Scriptures, and I know I have the faith to be healed.  The months before my diagnosis, I was praying to know what kind of mission I should have.  Should I be a Temple worker, apply for an official Senior Mission, just do more missionary work, genealogy?  Retirement has been great but I couldn't get over the feeling that I wasn't doing enough to become a better person.  Is this my mission, then…to endure this trial well?  To be an example?  To influence others by the way I choose to fight this?  I rarely think of dying, even though the Oncologist has been pretty straightforward.  And, I'm not feeling afraid to die.  I know the probability is that I shouldn't survive this Cancer, and if I do, I have a 22% chance of living five years.  I'm not in denial…I just choose not to dwell on it, and give Heavenly Father the control…come what may.  I hope that at some point, my children will learn to do that too.  That's how I've found peace  in all of this.
• I don't know how my body will respond to the next round of chemo.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I know I'm going to have to fight the battles, though,  if I'm going to have any chance of winning the war.  

Saturday, 2/22/14 (One month away from Spring!)

• chemo #2 Done!  This time it was only 3 1/2 hrs..  The nurse said that since I didn't have bad side effects with the first treatment, it is likely I will be about the same this time.   :0)  
• haha!  Habits!  While taking a shower, I reached over to grab the hair conditioner and had to smile…Conditioner, really ???  I have a short little pixie and my hair is falling out by the handful.  At this point, I don't think I really need Conditioner to help me brush out the "tangles".  lol!   Just moments later, as my shower ended, I reached around to the back of my neck to squeeze the excess hair, and realized,  "oh yeah, I don't have any!"  It wasn't sad, it was just a reminder of how much I'm gonna save on shampoo and conditioner this year!
• Scalp feels bruised and sore from the hair falling out from the roots.
• The bald head!  It's difficult to understand how someone would get to the point where they would rather be bald than to deal with the daily hair loss.  Even with a cute Pixie hairstyle, it loomed over me like a Kansas storm.  You know it's coming, you can't stop it, and it's time to take the laundry off the line!  For me, it felt liberating to have it gone, to be able to wash my head and not have wet hairs clinging to my hand. Instead, the stubbles felt a little scratchy on my hand and I imagined how smooth a perfectly bald head will feel when the stubs are also gone.   I'm not pretty at all being bald, but I'm comfortable!
• Random splotches, rashes, pimples, and sores appear on my face for no apparent reason other than "chemo".   Sometimes, they bleed a little.  (Dr. Breyer prescribed a steroid for it).  I can understand how some people might have some serious issues with self-esteem and/or depression.  I don't know how I am personally handling it, other than, every time I look in the mirror, I sigh, but just realize that, "it is what it is".  I don't mean to make light of it, but it's yet another thing that is out of my control, and that's how I'm able to let it go.
• The House Cleaning - Maintenance cleaning gets done during the week, of course,  but on Saturdays, the deep cleaning gets done.  Washing bath mats, sanitizing faucets, door knobs, light switches, and just about everything else that is dormant.  While I understand the importance of keeping things especially germ-free, I feel bad each Saturday, that the chore list comes out and everyone, except me, gets busy, just as a protection for "Grammy".  I am humbled that they do all this just for me.

Sunday, February 23rd -  Valerie stayed home from church because Braden was still sick with croup crud.  We convinced Tiff to keep Lexi home too, so she could get her nap.  We had a good talk.  Understandably, weekends are hard for her and the kids.  Aisy had not wanted to go to church without Valerie, but decided to go with Tiiffany at the last minute.  I think Brooklyn and Kendall had something to do with talking her into it.    ;0)   I was so proud of her for going to church without her mom.  She even went to her own Primary class by herself, which she wouldn't do last week even with Val there.  Little Aisy is trying to be brave and "do hard things".  I was so proud of her.  Austin and Collier were having a bit of a hard time too, but they stepped it up and went to church, too!  They are amazing kids!

I called Kathy to find out about how the boys did at the Nebraska Robotics Meet.  She said that, although their school didn't do well, the boys had a good time, anyway.  She was very excited, however, to tell me that someone from the Urology Office in SLC had left a message  to schedule a SECOND interview with Stephen!!!  YAY!   Stephen had thought the first interview had not gone well, so this is really exciting!

The younger grandkids have some "entertainment" ready for us after dinner tonight.  FUN!  So the house is lively with excited tones, music practice, etc.  They made invitations, programs, and even numbered seating.  The program consisted of singing, dancing, and piano duets.  Valerie and Tiffany laughed about the memories it brought back. At their same ages, they, and Amy and Kristen Engebretsen were providing family "entertainment"  with their "Midnight Magic" Club.  How cute they were!  

Family Night Entertainment
Starring: Brooklyn, Kendall, Gracie, Aislynne, & Braden

Gracie, Braden, Kendall, Aislynne, & Brooklyn

Lexi, part of the audience!

Saturday, February 22nd -  Slept in and didn't get out of bed 'til 9:30 this morning!  Just decided to be lazy.  Rick had made big fluffy waffles with strawberries.  After eating one of those, Tiffany made me a fruit smoothie.  The smoothies help me get at least 16 ozs of liquid in me plus fruit.  A good way to start the day!  After breakfast, Tiff announced she would be cutting Rick's hair sometime today.  She hesitantly offered to cut mine while the clippers were out.  I know it was difficult for her to suggest, but I was secretly hoping she would, since we had discussed it a couple of times during the week.  

Soon, everyone was busy with the chore lists and before I knew it, the house was cleaned and sanitized once again.  "Many hands make small work".  I'm glad that the chores get done with very little complaining.  It is hard to watch everyone doing all that work just because I'm here.  Even 3-year old, Gracie had a Lysol cloth in hand and came happily, and proudly to tell me that she had washed the door "things" on my bedroom door, (knobs), and the "light switches"!

With the house cleaned, Tiffany cut Rick's hair, then it was my turn.  I loved still having some hair on top, lots of hair on top, actually, and I even tried at times, to convince myself that maybe I'd be the one who wouldn't lose ALL her hair.  But I knew better!  After taking my shower yesterday, I decided, once and for all, it was time for it to go.   I was just tired of dealing with hair falling out everywhere, especially in the shower where it can clog the drain.

Since it was another beautiful day, the kids were sent outside to play, except Gracie who suffers from asthma.  She lay on the couch watching a movie.  Tiff was a professional, taking it very slowly, making sure it didn't hurt my tender head.  I was concerned that some of the grandkids might come in and be frightened, but they didn't, except for…Gracie, who just happened to get off the couch and come in the kitchen just as Tiff was finishing up.  The look on her sweet little face was one of horror!  She literally could not close her mouth!  Poor baby!  Tiff asked if she liked my new haircut and she couldn't even speak.  (Note to self:  ALWAYS wear a covering on my head when not in my bedroom.)  I don't even want to think what Aislynne's reaction would have been.  She could barely get on board with cutting my hair when we had the party several weeks ago.  Now I find her sometimes giving second glances to the hats I've been wearing.  Valerie's reaction was kind of cute too.  Like me, she was hoping that I could keep the long hair on top until it "just fell out".   A friend of hers had gone through chemo and also had a cute cut, which Valerie had liked.  Since Val had not seen her actually get shaved after that, she assumed she went right from a cute little cut to bald, sort of all at once.  How could she have known?  It can be a very sensitive subject to ask about with some people.  I was very grateful for the time spent with my niece, Mary Tudor, last December, and for her frankness and willingness to share with me.  Not having had chemo the first time I got Breast Cancer, I curiously asked her many questions.  Interestingly, I didn't even suspect at the time, that I had cancer!

Today, I got a Get-well card from Debbie Giles, my sixter, Kathy's sister-in-law.  She wrote about having breast cancer in 2012 after having had Hodgkins Disease in 1971.  Back then, they didn't treat with chemo, she had to have cobalt (radiation) treatments.  Her breast cancer came back as Triple-Negative, but said her treatments went pretty well.  I really appreciated her card and comments.  Sometimes I've felt like I've been "picked on", so it was a gentle reminder that others go through seemingly unfair trials as well.  I know her intention was to give me hope, and I'll take it!  :0)  It has been a good day, but is now winding down.  The Veaseys and Walzes are going to the YW fundraising dinner tonight.  I will stay home and probably read or watch a movie, (Sense & Sensibility).  Glad they are getting out together for awhile.

Friday, February 21st - Today I received beautiful cards from my sisters, Pat and Mary.  Had not slept well the night before because of the recent chemo treatment, but the cards really helped me focus on the good things again.  So grateful for all the love and support.  Had a bit of a rough day with my breathing/coughing but bearable.  A beautiful sunny day all day and the kids were even able to go outside and play for a little while.   Looking out the window and seeing the warm sunshine really lifted my spirits.  I'll admit, I also love a good snowfall, but I'm ready for Spring…one month from today!  

Got a call from Jantzen at the Central Utah Clinic.  He said that my labs were "stable".  That's good news!

Having completed all the paperwork for Medicaid, Rick FAXed it to the UCCP (Utah Cancer Center Program) for me.  They will check it and send it on to Medicaid as soon as they get all the lab reports.   This afternoon, I called and requested Cathy and Janis from the Utah Clinic to send those copies off to UCCP also.  Sure hoping I qualify for Medicaid.

Meanwhile today, Tiffany asked Debbie to help write an introduction for a website that helps with fundraising for cancer patients.  Kind of works like, "Pay it Forward".  Debbie readily agreed to have it finished by Sunday.  I'm so impressed with my children,  so willing to do whatever is needed to help relieve my pressure and stress.

Collier and Austin got invited by the Rosier boys to go bike riding.  So glad the Rosiers thought to invite them.  They are all such good boys.
Kathy text to say that the interview for the Mental Health job forgot to call Stephen again!  Unbelievable, especially after Stephen and Kathy stayed behind for 1 1/2 hours waiting for the interview before leaving for Nebraska to support Kyle and Jacob in the Robotics competition!  I just can't believe a business can be so unprofessional!

Rick and Tiff finally got out and went for a date.  They have taken on so much by moving me in here and caring for me.  Between Val, Collier, and me, we got dinner prepared, the kids fed, and put to bed.  What she couldn't do with her broken wrist, Collier and I were able to do. Then she and the boys did the rest.  Collier and Austin are really good boys, so helpful and no complaining.

My sister, Kathy text to check on me, Val, and Tiff.

With the kids in bed, Val & I started watching the movie, Becoming Jane, but I wasn't feeling well enough to get very interested in it, and Val was exhausted.   Not too far into the  movie, Rick and Tiff came home.   (Even while on a date, they remembered to pick up my prescriptions before coming home.)   We abandoned the movie and all went to bed!  Tiff & Rick were up most of the night because Grade was coughing and needed treatments and steam from the  bathtub.  No rest for the weary. 

Thursday, February 20th -  Val took me back to the clinic this morning for the routine shot that jumpstarts the blood cells after chemo.  I chose to have it in my left arm this time since I had it in the right arm last time.  It doesn't hurt except for a quick prick into the skin.  The nurses there are very experienced (this one has been working  with chemo patients for 15 years).  I hadn't realized while we were there, the impact it was having on Valerie.  She related later, how seeing me sitting in that big ole chair, and being stuck with a needle,  suddenly made my cancer become so real.     

On our way home, I got a phone message from someone named Elizabeth, who would help me get the Medicaid Application expedited.  Sounded like good news to me!  So, after getting settled in for the afternoon, I decided to get in touch with her.  Uhmmm!  Not impressed so far.  Tiffany and I were under the impression from the Hospital Admin that "Breast" cancer was a "shoe-in" for Medicaid coverage.  Now Elizabeth is telling me I may not qualify financially because I've moved in with family and Rick earns too much money.  I told her that I am still paying for my apartment and my own expenses.  She had to keep "talking to" someone else before giving me answers.  FInally, she said that, based on the fact that I still pay my own expenses, I "will probably qualify".  I then told her that I was under the impression that I would qualify based on the diagnosis of Breast Cancer alone.  I then told her I had Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer.  Her response was nearly hysterical when she repeated the diagnosis, followed by, "we've got to get this through as soon as possible!"  Tiffany and I didn't get the feeling that she wanted to help me, as much as she wanted to make sure the paperwork gets done for payment before I "kick the bucket".  I was shocked at her response.  Tiffany was angry, called Melanie, and Melanie started gasping angrily.  When Valerie heard, she was appalled!   

Determined to get the paperwork completed, I called Elizabeth with a couple of questions to make sure I understood the application process, since it didn't seem to have anything to do with Medicaid.  She explained again that she was part of the expediting process, (a sort of "clearing house") for breast cancer patients.  Satisfied the my part of the app was done, I asked Rick to FAX it off for me tomorrow.

In the meantime, Val was getting paperwork done to rent a trombone for Austin.  Everything went through quickly and we were able to go pick it up in Lehi.  Austin was so happy to have one again.  It made my day to see how happy he was to have it for the next day's music class.
Kathy called to say the Stephen's interview with the Mental Health Job in SLC, didn't happen.  Apparently they forgot that he was a "phone interview" and when he didn't show up, they considered him a "No Show"!  Really???  We're furious at the lack of courtesy and professionalism.  They rescheduled for next week but Stephen isn't sure he wants to work with them now.  So, disappointed!

With the house quiet, Rick & Tiff watched a movie downstairs as is their usual routine.   Valerie and I finished watching the movie, North and South, upstairs. 

Wednesday, February 19th -  Appt with Dr. Breyer at 9:20 and 2nd Chemo Treatment today.  Tiffany took me again.  Valerie, with her broken wrist, and our friend Kim, stayed home to take care of the kids, clean, and prepare the house and my bedding.  Because chemo emits some poisons from my body for a few days right after treatment, cleaning and hygiene have to be done a little differently, and more thoroughly right after treatments. My bed linens get doubled up, along with putting sheets on the couch where I sit.  All laundry from my room gets washed, a new plastic laundry bag is hung, to keep separate, the clothes I wore for chemo and several days following.  Floors are vacuumed again, dusting done, and furniture is wiped down.

Chemo #2 went well.  I sat in the same ole' comfy chair with Tiff beside me.  Looking around, I recognized a few people from before and saw some new ones.  The room filled up fast again.  I passed the time rereading some of Debbie's novel, Pauline, talking with Tiff, eating the lunch that Valerie had so lovingly prepared, and watching the snow flurries dance around outside the window.  When I opened my lunch, I found the note that Valerie had written to me earlier in the morning, expressing her love and admiration for me, along with the hopes that the chemo treatment today would go well.  I felt so loved reading that note, having Tiff by my side, covered with the quilt Suzanne had made me.

Surprisingly, time went by pretty fast and, after only 3 1/2 hours, we were ready to go.

 My sister, Kathy sent me a pic of a guardian angel on text.  We named her "Grace".  :0)

Tuesday, February 18th - Get Well Cards from my daughter, Kathy, and friend, Dawn Eaton.  Feeling a little anxious about tomorrow's #2 Chemo Treatment.

Text from Kathy H. encouraging me for my treatment tomorrow.

Text from Marie Simpson saying she'll "be with {me} from start to finish tomorrow".  :0) 

Jeff, Melanie, Jackson, & Ryenne
time to say good-bye.

Monday, February 17th - No school today - President's Day!  Mel, Jeff, & family left this morning.  Did better than I thought I would, saying good-bye.  Only cried a little, though I always  do when saying good-bye to my family.  Always so good to be with them, but hard to let go.  Typical for my little Addi, she wouldn't give me a kiss good-bye.  She gets sad, then almost stubborn, refusing to give me a kiss or hug.  She puts on this armor and acts somewhat indifferent to our parting, but because I know her so well,  I know that's just how she deals with good-byes.  It makes it hard for me, but in a way, it's kind of tender and I've come to expect it.

Addi having NO part of saying
good-bye to Grammy!

  

About an hour later, Kelsi, my hairdresser, came all the way to Tiff's house from American Fork to cut my hair.  It was her day off and she had told Tiff that she would like to cut my hair, as a favor, without charge.  She was her amazing cheerful self and asked how short  I wanted it. I told her to "buzz it", but I don't think she had the heart to.  She did a very cute little pixie cut, leaving it very short in the back and sides, but still long and thick on top.  (see pics with Kelsi)  The cut is adorable but my neck grew six inches!  lol  Tiff and I both offered to pay her, she wouldn't accept.

Tiff, Rick, Val & kids went to the park.  House is very quiet. My ears and neck are suddenly feeling cold!

Sunday, February 16th - Mel and Family stayed home from church to take care of me, and Lexi (so Tiff could enjoy church).  Enjoyed down time w/Mel, Jeff, and the kids.  Tiffany and Jeff are still in lots of pain from their muscle injuries.  Jeff said he was feeling a little better.  

Had a "picnic" in the living room with Addison, just like old times at her house.  When I would go for visits, we had picnics on the porch, on the sidewalk, in the living room, or under the piano.  Addi would always pack wonderful lunches for us.  She would fill the knapsacks with granola bars, yogurts, crackers with cheese, and sometimes, pudding. She always had a blanket or towel to spread, then divvy up the goodies.  Today's picnic was all pretend, since we were using a plastic toy picnic basket that had already been prepared with small plastic foods, dishes, large forks, and a red/white plaid cloth.  I love our picnics!

My picnic with Addi. -  It's a tradition!

Tiff invited Steve & Suzanne over for dinner.  

After kids were put to bed, we all watched two TV episodes of Downton Abbey.

Saturday, February 15th - Mel and Jeff come early to help clean house.  It was amazing to see everyone take a chore list apart and get the jobs done so quickly.  Even the injured ones were working as hard as everyone else, doing whatever they could.  Jeff was working in the kitchen and making jokes with Rick.  Love it when those two get together!  Waaaay to much alike!

Called Kathy to see how the Urology job interview went.  She was disappointed, said it was an iPhone (FaceTime) interview and Stephen was really nervous and distracted.  She didn't think it went well because the interviewer seemed not to be as excited at the end of the interview, as she had been at the beginning.  He still has an interview for the Mental Health job on Thursday.  

Mel and Jeff stayed all day, then went to Steve's and Suzanne's house to let them know that they were going to be staying the night with us.  We wanted to watch movies and they didn't want to put Steve & Suzanne out by making them wait up late for them.  After the younger kids were put to bed, we all watched the long awaited movies, Austinland and Gravity on the big screen downstairs.  Austinland was hysterical.  I must see that again just for the one-liners!  Gravity was amazing!  I wasn't as horrified as Tiffany had been when she first saw it, but she saw it in 3-D on a much larger movie screen.  Even though we had seen it on Rick and Tiff's big movie screen, it wasn't 3-D and I had also heard/seen all the hype.  Still, it was visually spectacular, and emotionally draining.  I think it hit a little too close to home.  The adversities just kept coming, and coming, and finally at one point, Sandra Bullock says, "Im going to die today."  At that moment, she conveyed what I have sometimes been feeling since my diagnosis.  Like most of us, I don't know how long I have to live,  but Cancer has just put limitations on it  and it seems very surreal to suddenly have some kind of timeline.

• Friday, February 14th - Happy Valentine's Day!  We all awakened to the fragrance of Roses this morning!  Rick really outdid himself!  I'm afraid his heart overtook his good sense…with all the heartache, misery, and illness going on around here, he splurged on ALL of us!  I walked into the kitchen this morning to find vases of flowers everywhere!  Not only did he buy an arrangement of roses and lilies for Tiffany, but he also spoiled Valerie and me each with our own dozen roses.  In addition, as always, he bought his own daughters three roses each, plus Aislynne.  If that wasn't enough, he also bought all of us our own box of Russell Stover Chocolates, including Collier, Austin, and Braden!  The kitchen was covered in roses.  So much so, that I leaned over to Tiffany and whispered, "Did I die last night?"  lol!  They were beautiful and made us feel so loved. Just for today, we could forget the unpleasantness that confronts us. 

Valentines chocolates & flowers for Val, Tiff, and Me, from Rick!

The girls made a haul…flowers, teddy bears, & chocolates.

Braden enjoying his chocolates!

My Valentine Gifts from Rick

The girls working on their Valentine Craft

   

 

Addi, Ryenne, and Jackson enjoying their Valentines from Jeff & Melanie.

Jeff, Ryenne, and Jackson arrived late in the afternoon.  Jeff pulled a muscle in his back during their trip.  Was able to get in to see a chiropractor. He was still hurting bad all night.  What the heck is going on?  Tiff and Jeff are practically immobile because of muscle injuries, Val has only one good arm because of a broken wrist, and then there's me...

Steve & Suzanne were invited over and brought ice cream and root beer for floats.  We also had chocolate fondue for dessert'.

Sweet text from Kathy H. 
Beautiful Card from Theresa. 

Thursday, February 13th - Valerie had surgery on left wrist.  Tiff stayed with her all morning and most of afternoon.  Mel (and Addi) came over early from Steve's house to help out.  So glad she was able to come this week.  Mel is such a "mother hen".  I enjoyed having her "all to myself".

The surgeon said Valerie's surgery went well.  She was a bit dazed when she got home and now the pain meds are starting to wear off.  She is pretty miserable.

Got a fun surprise box in the mail today!  My friend, Marie Simpson, whom I worked with at Daughtrey Elementary, sent me a pair of Snoopy Valentine Socks!

With so much going on, I forgot to call Terry Ellis and wish him a Happy Birthday.  :0(

Wednesday, February 12th - Wrote out valentines for the grandkids.  I feel so close to them when I write their names on their own little valentine.  I do spend some time, thinking about each one and trying to find the little card from the box that reflects that.  Didn't have the cash on me to send each a dollar bill as I have in the past.  Almost decided against it so that they would get them on time, but just couldn't.  It's become tradition…"and ya don't monkey with tradition".  I'm not sure exactly when they will get them, but I have asked Tiffany and Valerie to go to my bank and get me twenty dollars in one dollar bills!  Heaven is having wonderful grandchildren like mine!

Tuesday, February 11th - Melanie and Addi flew in today, to visit and help out. Suzanne picked them up from the airport.  So happy to see them!

I decided that with so many here, it would be a good time

to have a "haircutting party".  After dinner was cleaned up, I sat in a chair in Tiffany's kitchen and let Brooklyn, Kendall, Gracie, Aisy, Addie (my granddaughters), Rick, Tiffany, Valerie, & Melanie, take whacks at my hair!  Most of the grandkids really got into it but Aisy held back.  She was pretty sure she didn't want to have anything to do with cutting someone's hair, least of all, Grammy's!!!  Once the party got started, though, she took her whack at it too!  We didn't cut it too short because first, I had to get use to the idea of having short hair, and second, I didn't want to traumatize the kiddos! It was fun and we laughed about an otherwise unpleasant experience.  It didn't matter to me what it ended up looking like, I'm gonna lose it all anyway.  But Melanie insisted on styling it and, in the end, it actually looked pretty decent.  

                   











                                                                  

Kathy called today, very excited that Stephen has a job interview with someone at a Urology Office in SLC.   Fingers crossed and prayers ascending!

Today, I also got texts from Kathy H. and Rita.  It has been a great day!